Frankly

I constantly think I'm not good enough.

Having a good sense of humour, I was able to get by with having friends. I didn't find it hard to interact with anyone, it just comes normally. However, with my shabby body and mediocre coolness, love was never at my side. Although it was available, it never became a firm opportunity for the likes of me.

Sure, anyone who judges people with their physical appearance may be called ignorant or an utter imbecile but let's be honest, at least once in our lives we have judged people just based in appearance. I've said it once, I'll say it again, I don't believe in love at first sight. If you truly believe beauty lies inside the person and you love a person for who he/she is then you'll be a hypocrite if you tell me you fell in love with someone at first sight. It's called 'first sight', and what do you see? Of course, you see the physical appearance of the person. Unless you are some alien from another planet or you have some sort of superpower, on 'first sight', you don't see his/her personality. You need to accept the fact that you fell for the looks, or better yet you didn't fall in love, you just simply became attracted to him/her.

OK so let's say, you did get to know him/her properly. And as time went on you did fall in love. It is a very blissful feeling. It does give you a reason to live and go on with life everyday. However, people get it wrong every time. You don't wake up everyday with a smile on your face because of that person. You don't get that romantic excitement feeling inside because that person is around. That person is not the reason why you're happy. Love is. Love puts that smile on your face, that motivation everyday, the simple joys we get when he/she is around. She is just a girl. She is not a work of art or an objective. She is simply just a person. People aren't miracles. Love is.

Due to the misconception of how this person gives you this ultimate purpose in life, it becomes very easy to be cynical about love. Love is just an all-purpose excuse for selfish behaviour. You start harbouring really strong feelings for a person, feelings that we can't simply just put into words. It suddenly becomes an obsession, then we fail to realize that we're starting to fall in love with an idea, not with a human being. It does eventually become a problem if we don't comprehend it properly and you do get to some points in time where you'd think that those people who pointed it out were right, you sounded so stupid. But honestly, if you're not willing to sound stupid, you don't deserve to be in love. And like any other person in love, you'd be willing to sound stupid again.

Just because you spend so much time with a person doesn't mean you two are meant for each other. Maybe you just tried to leave as much memories of yourselves to each other because you know that one day, you wouldn't be together anymore.

I've been in love, but the time is yet to come again for me to reach another zenith in love. I'm afraid to love again because I fear that I might commit to another idea again. Yes, I feel attracted towards other people but I'm just so afraid to give it my all again. You don't realize how quickly everything can fall apart until it does. It makes you never want to give up anything good again. Although, it may also be my insecurities. Insecurity is a side effect of loving too much but receiving too little in return.

The thing with me is that I never give up on love, and that alone is both a curse and a blessing. I have a very optimistic pessimist view of life, I always think of the things that might go wrong but I always try to find a solution to it just in case and then I tell myself that the whole thing just might work out. Also, I tend to think too much. That's why I'm always on edge on everything, I prepared myself for the worst situations by emotionally accepting that it will happen. I may end up not being happy with it but at least I won't become too depressed with it. Being emotionally unstable with love, this has been a great, if not wise, choice for me.

I've been fighting this war called love for a long time now. Within the war, I've won battles and made friends and lost battles and broke my heart. I've also did some skirmishes but then again, I won't be too happy in the long run. Ultimately, a relationship has been a goal for me however that's still another battle I have yet to overcome.

We all know we won't win the war until we find that love that would last a lifetime.