Some Changes

Hey guys, or whichever entity that happens to find him/herself here!

Just gonna be implementing some changes in order to ensure I post something more often.

So, my writings have always been a full-text insight or poem about life, love or myself. However, I write only when I feel it and those peaks of creativity and inspiration occur oh so randomly thus my irregular posting.

However, in between posting, I've always had these mini "eureka" moments where I just write lines on impulse and say "I'm gonna use this line in a post". I've compiled quite a draft of them (although, I've lost most of them when my old phone broke).

So now, I'm gonna utilise the small lines I've wrote into posts. I mean, you may have seen other people do it but hey, this is all about content right? So it might be an excerpt-style story, a mini epiphany, or something.

Don't we all just prefer being straight to the point?

Don't get me wrong though, I'd still be making full-text posts whenever I can. Just that, university has limited the time I have for things. Pardon me there.

I hope I can get this blog more active, I'm considering making an Instagram page to increase my audience. We'll see.

Also, I'll be revamping the blog itself. Changing the background and themes to be more "short post"-friendly.

Stay tuned for more posts! First post on this change will follow suit.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!

//

Update: Decided not to change the theme because I just can't find anything that fits... I readjusted the font sizes though for an easier read.

April. Greatness. June.

I never thought I'd ever be infatuated with you this much.

I want to hold your hand.

I want to lie down with you in some field in the middle of nowhere, watching the stars.

I want to watch romcom films with you, criticising every possibe cliche and just laugh off the corniness.

I just lack the courage to do so.

In a world where it's OK to just kiss someone so randomly to profess your love, I'm always gonna be that one old-school romantic. There's something so repulsive in aggresiveness. It is, in a way, disrespectful and forced.

I don't want to force myself in someone's life.

Call me sentimental, call me hopeless; I don't mind. I don't mind because it's true.

I read once that Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. I wish I could have a million words to describe my feelings for you but all that ever crosses my mind is the way your shoulder brushes up against mine as we walk out together from that 6pm lecture.

I hate that we spend most of our time just chattering small talk. I love deep talks and I'd give up a lot just to have late night conversations with you.

But it's OK, I know you don't always have time for that.

I know you're busy with other things you'd prefer doing and that's OK for me. As I've said, I'm not a forceful person.

But I just want you to know that if ever you get the urge to share your thoughts on that film you just watched or tell me how you got yourself hooked with Harry Potter or rant how that girl from the club was such a massive bitch or tell me your views on politics, religion, showbiz, outer space or the epiphany you just had in the toilet 40 seconds ago, go for it. Tell me everything, no matter how random it is. I will hang on everything that you say.

I don't want to talk about what I did last weekend. I don't want this routine to just get stuck with us forever.

I just want to be that guy for you.

You mean more to me than just small talk.

I don't care about what I'm doing this weekend.

I care about you.

We both know I don't have the courage to do such a feat. It's not that I'm spineless or uncreative. I'm just not an initiator. I'm never that confident with myself. Sometimes, I just need that extra push.

Sometimes, I just want a sign.

Or better yet, a chance.

I know I'm not the most good-looking guy out there nor am I the nicest but I just want to let you know that you made me start looking for confidence. Your presence helps me bring the best out of myself. Just being around you calms me down, soothes my mind and makes my day. As much as you don't seem to care or you just never notice it, you motivate me to push myself and somehow convince me I can be a better person.

It's weird, I know. Even I find it weird yet I believe everything happens for a reason. I guess the reason is simply,

I've fallen for you.

An Open Letter From A Broken Heart

It's OK, you don't have to love me

You were never going to love me, anyway.

I knew that.

You knew that.

///

I was the type of person to reach for the moon, stars and other heavenly bodies.

That's why I reached towards you.

However, you were afraid.

Afraid of being abandoned and left alone by the people you love, the same people who you thought loved you. You were afraid that if I saw right through that facade, I'd see the cracks, ridges and shattered memories.

That's why you pushed me away.

But you know, before you even thought about that, I've already seen it.

The cracks. The ridges. The shattered memories.

All the aches and pain.

Yet I loved you all the same.

///

I figured out that I can never love someone the way I loved you.

When you started thinking that you didn't deserve me was the first moment that you stopped deserving me.

But you may just continue with life just fine.

///

I am certain that we made a huge impact to each other.

But in the end, I'll just be a memory to you, may or may not be forgotten.

I was once someone who you had right before your eyes. All you had to do was to embrace me.

But now, I'm just someone at the back of your head.

But who knows? In the future, things may be different.

At least memories don't change but people do.

///

Oddly, I feel cheated on.

I don't know if by Love.

I don't know if by Life.

I don't know if by you.

But from the moment you broke my heart, I can never look at you the same.

My soul is too tired already. Tired from chasing nonexistent entities. Tired from trying. Tired from being too strong for too long.

Tired from hoping that one day you'll be there.

Tired from being given up by people.

Pathetic, isn't it?

///

I'm sorry that I can't be the friend that you wanted to have.

Or the friend that you think you deserved.

Or the kind of person who you want to love you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry if I have to break my promise to you.

For this time, I'll be the one to let go.

ABCZ

Maybe you found it easier to move on because you know that we're not meant to be together.

There's this thing in me that's actually desperate to know if my absence ever brought you any pain. Did you have sleepless nights with thoughts of me? Was your heart broken in the same places as mine?

Did you even shed a tear for me?

I want to know that I actually meant something to you.



Why him?

Why not go for the guy with good grades, right manners and a great sense of humor?

Why not go for the guy who has already told you that he loves you?



Why go for the guy with the mysterious aura, inconsistent and with unsure motives?

Perhaps he challenged you. He made you question everything you know about life.

Perhaps he made you laugh unlike anyone did.

Perhaps it's because he's a mystery.

Perhaps.



Why should I think of you when you never think of me? Why should I make everything revolve around you when you don't make anything revolve around me? Why should I think of building a future around you when you never thought of builiding a future around me?

I mean, why should I even stay with you even when you don't ask me to?

You know, for so long, that I love you.

However, we're bestfriends and you're blinded by this.

Over and over, you choose someone else instead of me.

You don't understand all the petty wishes, beliefs and prayers that I've used up on you. You come talk to me as if they're irrelevant; as if they were non-existent.

In the end, they'll just pass as empty words to you; until I bring it up again.



I wish I could just slide under my blankets and sleep forever.

Only wake me up when my heart stops breaking.

Only wake me up when you know I can live a happy, blissful life.

Only wake me up when you know someone will love me for who I am, unconditionally.

No, I don't want to die.

And there's that fine line in between those two that makes the difference.



If I wait for you, years will go by.

Seasons will pass.

However, you won't be as beautiful as the first snowflake of winter.

You won't be as beautiful as the first bloom of spring.

You won't be as beautiful as the first sunshine of summer.

You won't be as beautiful as the first autumn leaf that falls.

I could wait forever, only if I know that you're coming.

But time is precious.

You are not worth the winter snowflakes, spring blooms, summer sunshines and autumn leaves.



Do I regret it?

No.

Just because we didn't work out doesn't mean you're not the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Because you are.

Moment by Moment

I think I know where I went wrong.

In the past I thought two people automatically enter a relationship when they mutually like each other. I thought it was that simple. I thought relationships needed no preparation or relationship success always comes from experience.

Never have I ever been more wrong in my life.

I was just clueless about what Love really is.

I know I am a good guy. Everyone says it. However, I took being nice too much for granted. I thought that trust, love and loyalty only came to me because I'm a nice person. I never appreciated the fact that I earned them not because I'm nice, but because I am who I am.

I kept on talking about how much I hate it when people take others for granted. I always say that there's so much more for us to learn about a person and we should take every opportunity that we can to do that. However, I realised that I've been taking myself for granted all this time. I know, it's just ironic. When I've thought that I'm being humble all this time, it was me failing to appreciate how beautiful my heart is. It was me who failed to understand that there's so much more about me than the "good guy" persona people have labeled me. I know I love myself, I accept who I am and I can't imagine myself being a different person. It's just I never put into heart what I'm capable of and what kind of things I deserve to have.

I was afraid that I'll be building up an ego of sorts. I've seen people grow up being swallowed by their own pride and I thought if I start to become like them, I'll lose opportunities in Love. However, there I was, trying to decipher the reasoning behind why people like those who have pride tend to find success in Love when really, people will only learn to love you if you actually show that you appreciate yourself.

And that was where I was lacking.

I became a guy that only set substandard expectations on myself. Because of that, all expectations that I set for other things became relatively unreasonable. Unrealistic expectations only attract disappointments. That set me up on a massive misery spell when really, there was no reason for me to be hating myself. I failed to realise that with the amount of bullshit that I've dealt with in the past, I have earned the right to have a preference for myself.

The thing is, I've made things more difficult than they needed to be. With all the overthinking and assuming, I end up asking why things never worked out. I became so scared of trying. I always relied on someone giving me that extra push I needed but it never came. However, everything must come from me. It wasn't the lack of Love that made me miserable, it was all the "if"s in my head that emanated from not trying at all. There is more to life than pain, unless you keep avoiding opportunities to grow. The Love one experiences will only be as good as the effort one invests. It was clear what I actually wanted, I just failed to put effort on it.

I didn't allow myself to be happy but rather, I allowed myself to make more excuses.

Love isn't a strong word after all. It's also not necessarily a strong feeling. Love is when feelings and actions blend perfectly. It was never Love that rejected me, that made me feel that I wasn't worth it. It was people that lacked the capacity to love me. This is why people who are afraid or people full of pride always walk away, they only have limited room for Love. I failed to realise the people who I gave so much room in my life only gave me very limited room for Love. As people, we should learn to love people who can love at the same capacity as us. We shouldn't learn to settle for less and cope with it. We should be able to unleash our potential and grow as time goes on. Love shouldn't be easy. It should be challenging, spontaneous and overflowing with passion.

If you're only capable of loving at a limited scale then you shouldn't be looking for something greater. What you think you want may be more than you can handle. If you aren't willing to work for it then you don't deserve to have it.

And finally, I have made the mistake of rushing things.

I may not be consciously thinking about it but all my actions and thoughts dictated that I wanted to reach the end fast. I know that wasn't my intention because I was never a firm believer of "just happy endings". Happiness must be present start to finish. It shouldn't just exist at the goal but it should be present throughout the journey towards that goal. I don't want my happiness to rely on the possibility of what we "could be" but I want it to come from the now, the present that is what we "are".

Rock Skimming and Other Romances

Grab.

Hands finding each other.
Fingers intertwine.
Sweaty palms didn’t matter.
You’re mine -
Only mine.

Prepare.

You act like the universe’s mediator
With how you spoke about life.
Your words echo in my mind,
“We aren’t simply just stones on the beach.
We are a force to be reckoned with”.

Throw.

It wasn’t the mundane highways
Which defined our lives’ courses.
It wasn’t the dramatic excursions
Which exemplify this superficial love affair.
In you, I find solace.

Skim.

Never in our wildest dreams
Could we have thought to create
A love seemingly immaculate,
A life purportedly quintessential
Yet a happiness, questionable.

Skim again.

What ever happened to
The blossom in your cheeks
And the iridescence in your eyes?
All I could find
Are windswept thoughts,
A mind devoid of life’s pleasure; and
A heart pervaded of animosity.

Plunge.

I don’t remember since when
Did I start falling for a person
That I have never met.
When I thought love
Can transcend dimensions,
Or find its way in human beings,
Perhaps.

Sink.

I always believed
I could reach the stars,
Or travel the horizons.
Only to discover it is
Not stars but ocean depths
Nor horizons but rutted dirt roads.
Simply because
I am only but a stone.