Bitter Man, Better Guy

I know I would have been a better guy in your thoughts.

I care and you know it. I always find time for you and you know it. The only problem is that I don't know how to show it.

Is physicality that important or do you just need the reassurance that I'll stay by your side? All I want is just to be in your thoughts, at least for a moment during the day. I want you to have a reminder of me.

I don't mind being a thought in you while on the other hand, I appreciate even just your mere existence. I don't mind, as long as I'm something for you.

Just so you know, you've never left my thoughts.

But have I ever crossed in yours?

I know I would have been a better guy in your heart.

As I don't need to occupy much space for all I want to be is inside it. But I will greatly appreciate if you open up more room in your heart as I've opened up all of mine for you.

There's a tiny problem though.

I've decided to open up my heart for someone who doesn't have enough room in hers to love someone like me.

I know I would have been a better guy for you to love.

For whatever love you would give, I'll give it back millionfolds.

But at the same time, I won't overwhelm you.

Unlike the way you overwhelm me whenever you speak about life and other things.

Your words speak like poetry as they flow through my ears, enveloping my mind and giving me a feeling of warmth, like a warm summer evening during a cold winter morning.

Then I snap back to reality. Realisations come as your words aren't meant for me. You were never beside me to begin with.

You are only as far as my eyes can see.

And all I see is you falling for someone

Just like I did.

I know I would have been a better guy for you.

Only if you realised.

The same way I realised amidst all of these things,

That you never loved me.

Hypothermia

The temperature outside is cold
Cold as ice
Like your heart
Whenever I try to thaw yours
You keep on putting it back in your freezer
While you kept playing with mine
And like a child wishing for ice cream inside that tub
Reaching out for feelings of delight
For the hopes of that lasting pleasure
I open to find nothing inside

The temperature outside is cold
Below freezing
The same way I wanted that moment
Frozen
I wanted time to stop
So we can remain like that forever
So realisations won't be realised
So regrets won't be made
Where genuine happiness remained
But as that moment passed by
That moment was just but a moment in time

The temperature outside is cold
Absolute zero
Like your feelings for me
Zilch.
Like your interest in me
None.
Like the time I spent in your thoughts
Nil.
And the love that you offered
Non-existent.

The temperature outside is cold
Dry and crisp
Where the tip of my nose starts feeling funny
Where my ears felt as if they're falling off
The same way I fell for you
But in the midst of the funny feelings of the cold
It wasn't only my fingers that started feeling numb

Notable to Self

Ever wonder why some people fall in love?

The same way to how falling in love is a choice, not falling in love is a choice made as well. There's no middle ground. There's no need to be pedantic about it.

It just is.

When we choose to not fall in love, we become shut-ins to the world. It's like locking ourselves in a small room with nothing but a mirror. When we look at the mirror, we see something beyond our own reflection. You realize the flaws stand out more than your positives. You can't help but notice it, you're just one huge mistake.

We start judging ourselves. Every time we judge ourselves, our ego begins to build up. Every flaw needs to be covered up, no defect must be seen. We begin to nurture more our own pride rather than ourselves. We spend so much time looking at the mirror. We become so afraid to reveal our imperfections.

Sometimes we think we've changed ourselves. But that's because we've patched up our flaws with our ego and covered the scars with pride. We don't become something else.

Instead, we become a version of ourselves that we never wanted to be.

It wasn't change to begin with, it was just a cover up. It was just us putting up a mask. It was just us trying to be presentable.

Don't mistake it for pleasing. No one likes a pleaser, but somehow it gives off the same effect. What we really want is to adapt, to be accepted without people seeing our flaws.

On the other hand, when we choose to fall in love, it's a choice of getting hurt. We need to remove the layers of pride and patches of ego. Let our scars open, let that somebody see our flaws. It's a painful process especially when you've built up too much pride.

We didn't choose to not fall in love because we're not capable of feeling it. We chose it because we're egotistical and we have so much pride.

We don't want to fall in love because we don't want to get hurt. It's always the what-ifs that get to us. We stop with the hypothesis and never carry on with the experiment. We just jump into conclusions and accept they're correct.

There's nothing wrong with being self-aware. However, the consequences of it are huge. We come to a point that we question who we really are and use that as a reason to why we can't fall in love when really, we forgot about our patches and layers. We succumb to finding a non-existent way of knowing ourselves when really the answer is just within us.

We just don't want to get hurt.

Everyone wants to fall in love. That is a fact. Another fact however, is that not everyone is prepared to be modest.

All the true lovers out there, they help each other remove those patches and layers. They're happy because they're not getting hurt alone.

All the hopeless romantics out there, they're used to the pain. Using what remaining ego they have to patch scars that would always open themselves.

All the prideful and egotistics out there, they just continue to put additional layers and patches.

I'll assure you this, things won't get any better. You may be accepted by everyone, but you're just displeasing yourself.

Dear Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

You're quite funny and you piqued my interest.
Oh I forgot to introduce myself.
My name is
How are you doing?
Although, I may be another random person for you
And you're another random person for me
I still learned to trust you.

Dear Anonymous,

You told me you were from
But you never revealed your name
I mean we just met
And I don't want to force you out of it
Even though it hurts a little bit
I still learned to trust you.

Dear Anonymous,

We have been regularly talking for a week now
I've learned much about you
But I know in order to be deemed trustworthy
You must learn more about me
I told you my secrets that even my parents didn't know
Compassion and sympathy was all you had to show
Even though the person behind your screen might be lying
I still learned to trust you.

Dear Anonymous,

It has indeed been a while
What have you been up to?
All you told me was vague things before
Now, you're becoming more detailed
I felt happy
You felt reassuring
And I just learned your name
Even if we haven't talked for 2 months
I still learned to trust you.

Dear Anonymous,

I'm confused to why you don't want to reveal much about your life
When I revealed everything about mine
I was disheartened, yet
I still learned to trust you.

Dear Anonymous,

Are we really friends?
To me, you are special
You've helped me go through life
You've helped me realize
You just don't know
Even if you think otherwise
I still learned to trust you

Dear Anonymous,

All I ever wanted from you is for you to trust me
I had the purest of intentions
Please understand
Even if you don't
I still learned to trust you.

Dear Anonymous,

Have you learned to trust me?

Intro Juice

I have this sort of belief that ugly people only end up with ugly people. But hey, who am I to judge how someone looks. But that belief haunts me, it gives a tug in my heart when I find someone really pretty and my mind just tells me "C'mon, she's waaaayyyy out of your league". Let's be honest, pretty girls belong to cliques. They're the famous ones who go clubbing everyday and easily get some jock with a 6-pack easily. However, there are also beauties that are hidden gems in this world who are pretty down-to-earth and nice people.

Sorry if I'm starting to sound pathetic but this is the social stereotype. No pretty girl would just fall in love with some guy who's got shabby looks, weighing 105 kg, 5'8" and has no fashion sense. My looks are below average in this imaginary scale of handsomeness. I have dimples but my cheeks are too fat to make them look obvious. I have a 6-pack but unfortunately my fat stomach is in the way. I have pimples virtually anywhere. When I keep a mustache for so long, I begin to look like a paedophile. I'm a 17 and a half Asian living in the UK for fuck's sake, and I even wear braces which just makes me look like a weirdo.

But let's look into the positive side. I've been viewed as a good person having a good sense of humour. I don't have any vices. Despite my body, I could still play sports like basketball, football (soccer) and swimming among others and have a very average speed for a non-jock. I don't go to the gym because I have no time however, I eat healthily as much as possible. I am relatively intelligent but I'm not the best. I'm good at Maths, I am an aspiring doctor, I can cook, I clean the house, I can do physical jobs, I am very disciplined. I am a romantic, very hopeless even. I have no vices, I hate smoking and drinking is not a thing for me.

Although my post is starting to look like some bio for a dating site, I just want to point out that I also look into my good traits despite being ugly. But don't get me wrong, I'm not faultless. I still am a liar, a slacker and I do swear a lot. My work ethic is not too great as well, I am organised however I am not a neat guy.

Despite those "great" qualities I possess, I still am gutted with the fact that I am just simply ugly. No pretty girl wouldn't like me and society will just keep on judging me. Although the perception of beauty varies from person to person, I still know which of those girls are considered generally pretty. So when I meet someone that is good and beautiful and I start developing a crush? My self-esteem instantly drops. I am not worthy of such a human being.

It sucks to be ugly you know, I have to drop my standards. I have to earn my way to a beautiful girl's trust but not expect to always get it. So if you're saying that just by being a good person you'll be able to get a girl's heart? That's utter bullshit. You need to have looks, or at least some self-confidence and self-esteem. Being ugly, I have no sense of pride because what do I pride on anyway? My flabs?

I'm not saying that all beautiful girls are bitches and I'm not saying all girls should start dropping their standards to give the ugly people a chance. Learning biology, selection is described to be organisms with the best physical characteristics tend to have the highest chances of finding a mate wherein they are able to reproduce and pass on those wonderful genes that they have. Do you think animals look at personality?

But anyway, this could be me just being bitter about myself. I should start gaining my self-esteem back.

I just don't know how.

Frankly

I constantly think I'm not good enough.

Having a good sense of humour, I was able to get by with having friends. I didn't find it hard to interact with anyone, it just comes normally. However, with my shabby body and mediocre coolness, love was never at my side. Although it was available, it never became a firm opportunity for the likes of me.

Sure, anyone who judges people with their physical appearance may be called ignorant or an utter imbecile but let's be honest, at least once in our lives we have judged people just based in appearance. I've said it once, I'll say it again, I don't believe in love at first sight. If you truly believe beauty lies inside the person and you love a person for who he/she is then you'll be a hypocrite if you tell me you fell in love with someone at first sight. It's called 'first sight', and what do you see? Of course, you see the physical appearance of the person. Unless you are some alien from another planet or you have some sort of superpower, on 'first sight', you don't see his/her personality. You need to accept the fact that you fell for the looks, or better yet you didn't fall in love, you just simply became attracted to him/her.

OK so let's say, you did get to know him/her properly. And as time went on you did fall in love. It is a very blissful feeling. It does give you a reason to live and go on with life everyday. However, people get it wrong every time. You don't wake up everyday with a smile on your face because of that person. You don't get that romantic excitement feeling inside because that person is around. That person is not the reason why you're happy. Love is. Love puts that smile on your face, that motivation everyday, the simple joys we get when he/she is around. She is just a girl. She is not a work of art or an objective. She is simply just a person. People aren't miracles. Love is.

Due to the misconception of how this person gives you this ultimate purpose in life, it becomes very easy to be cynical about love. Love is just an all-purpose excuse for selfish behaviour. You start harbouring really strong feelings for a person, feelings that we can't simply just put into words. It suddenly becomes an obsession, then we fail to realize that we're starting to fall in love with an idea, not with a human being. It does eventually become a problem if we don't comprehend it properly and you do get to some points in time where you'd think that those people who pointed it out were right, you sounded so stupid. But honestly, if you're not willing to sound stupid, you don't deserve to be in love. And like any other person in love, you'd be willing to sound stupid again.

Just because you spend so much time with a person doesn't mean you two are meant for each other. Maybe you just tried to leave as much memories of yourselves to each other because you know that one day, you wouldn't be together anymore.

I've been in love, but the time is yet to come again for me to reach another zenith in love. I'm afraid to love again because I fear that I might commit to another idea again. Yes, I feel attracted towards other people but I'm just so afraid to give it my all again. You don't realize how quickly everything can fall apart until it does. It makes you never want to give up anything good again. Although, it may also be my insecurities. Insecurity is a side effect of loving too much but receiving too little in return.

The thing with me is that I never give up on love, and that alone is both a curse and a blessing. I have a very optimistic pessimist view of life, I always think of the things that might go wrong but I always try to find a solution to it just in case and then I tell myself that the whole thing just might work out. Also, I tend to think too much. That's why I'm always on edge on everything, I prepared myself for the worst situations by emotionally accepting that it will happen. I may end up not being happy with it but at least I won't become too depressed with it. Being emotionally unstable with love, this has been a great, if not wise, choice for me.

I've been fighting this war called love for a long time now. Within the war, I've won battles and made friends and lost battles and broke my heart. I've also did some skirmishes but then again, I won't be too happy in the long run. Ultimately, a relationship has been a goal for me however that's still another battle I have yet to overcome.

We all know we won't win the war until we find that love that would last a lifetime.