I think I know where I went wrong.
In the past I thought two people automatically enter a relationship when they mutually like each other. I thought it was that simple. I thought relationships needed no preparation or relationship success always comes from experience.
Never have I ever been more wrong in my life.
I was just clueless about what Love really is.
I know I am a good guy. Everyone says it. However, I took being nice too much for granted. I thought that trust, love and loyalty only came to me because I'm a nice person. I never appreciated the fact that I earned them not because I'm nice, but because I am who I am.
I kept on talking about how much I hate it when people take others for granted. I always say that there's so much more for us to learn about a person and we should take every opportunity that we can to do that. However, I realised that I've been taking myself for granted all this time. I know, it's just ironic. When I've thought that I'm being humble all this time, it was me failing to appreciate how beautiful my heart is. It was me who failed to understand that there's so much more about me than the "good guy" persona people have labeled me. I know I love myself, I accept who I am and I can't imagine myself being a different person. It's just I never put into heart what I'm capable of and what kind of things I deserve to have.
I was afraid that I'll be building up an ego of sorts. I've seen people grow up being swallowed by their own pride and I thought if I start to become like them, I'll lose opportunities in Love. However, there I was, trying to decipher the reasoning behind why people like those who have pride tend to find success in Love when really, people will only learn to love you if you actually show that you appreciate yourself.
And that was where I was lacking.
I became a guy that only set substandard expectations on myself. Because of that, all expectations that I set for other things became relatively unreasonable. Unrealistic expectations only attract disappointments. That set me up on a massive misery spell when really, there was no reason for me to be hating myself. I failed to realise that with the amount of bullshit that I've dealt with in the past, I have earned the right to have a preference for myself.
The thing is, I've made things more difficult than they needed to be. With all the overthinking and assuming, I end up asking why things never worked out. I became so scared of trying. I always relied on someone giving me that extra push I needed but it never came. However, everything must come from me. It wasn't the lack of Love that made me miserable, it was all the "if"s in my head that emanated from not trying at all. There is more to life than pain, unless you keep avoiding opportunities to grow. The Love one experiences will only be as good as the effort one invests. It was clear what I actually wanted, I just failed to put effort on it.
I didn't allow myself to be happy but rather, I allowed myself to make more excuses.
Love isn't a strong word after all. It's also not necessarily a strong feeling. Love is when feelings and actions blend perfectly. It was never Love that rejected me, that made me feel that I wasn't worth it. It was people that lacked the capacity to love me. This is why people who are afraid or people full of pride always walk away, they only have limited room for Love. I failed to realise the people who I gave so much room in my life only gave me very limited room for Love. As people, we should learn to love people who can love at the same capacity as us. We shouldn't learn to settle for less and cope with it. We should be able to unleash our potential and grow as time goes on. Love shouldn't be easy. It should be challenging, spontaneous and overflowing with passion.
If you're only capable of loving at a limited scale then you shouldn't be looking for something greater. What you think you want may be more than you can handle. If you aren't willing to work for it then you don't deserve to have it.
And finally, I have made the mistake of rushing things.
I may not be consciously thinking about it but all my actions and thoughts dictated that I wanted to reach the end fast. I know that wasn't my intention because I was never a firm believer of "just happy endings". Happiness must be present start to finish. It shouldn't just exist at the goal but it should be present throughout the journey towards that goal. I don't want my happiness to rely on the possibility of what we "could be" but I want it to come from the now, the present that is what we "are".
I was afraid that I'll be building up an ego of sorts. I've seen people grow up being swallowed by their own pride and I thought if I start to become like them, I'll lose opportunities in Love. However, there I was, trying to decipher the reasoning behind why people like those who have pride tend to find success in Love when really, people will only learn to love you if you actually show that you appreciate yourself.
And that was where I was lacking.
I became a guy that only set substandard expectations on myself. Because of that, all expectations that I set for other things became relatively unreasonable. Unrealistic expectations only attract disappointments. That set me up on a massive misery spell when really, there was no reason for me to be hating myself. I failed to realise that with the amount of bullshit that I've dealt with in the past, I have earned the right to have a preference for myself.
The thing is, I've made things more difficult than they needed to be. With all the overthinking and assuming, I end up asking why things never worked out. I became so scared of trying. I always relied on someone giving me that extra push I needed but it never came. However, everything must come from me. It wasn't the lack of Love that made me miserable, it was all the "if"s in my head that emanated from not trying at all. There is more to life than pain, unless you keep avoiding opportunities to grow. The Love one experiences will only be as good as the effort one invests. It was clear what I actually wanted, I just failed to put effort on it.
I didn't allow myself to be happy but rather, I allowed myself to make more excuses.
Love isn't a strong word after all. It's also not necessarily a strong feeling. Love is when feelings and actions blend perfectly. It was never Love that rejected me, that made me feel that I wasn't worth it. It was people that lacked the capacity to love me. This is why people who are afraid or people full of pride always walk away, they only have limited room for Love. I failed to realise the people who I gave so much room in my life only gave me very limited room for Love. As people, we should learn to love people who can love at the same capacity as us. We shouldn't learn to settle for less and cope with it. We should be able to unleash our potential and grow as time goes on. Love shouldn't be easy. It should be challenging, spontaneous and overflowing with passion.
If you're only capable of loving at a limited scale then you shouldn't be looking for something greater. What you think you want may be more than you can handle. If you aren't willing to work for it then you don't deserve to have it.
And finally, I have made the mistake of rushing things.
I may not be consciously thinking about it but all my actions and thoughts dictated that I wanted to reach the end fast. I know that wasn't my intention because I was never a firm believer of "just happy endings". Happiness must be present start to finish. It shouldn't just exist at the goal but it should be present throughout the journey towards that goal. I don't want my happiness to rely on the possibility of what we "could be" but I want it to come from the now, the present that is what we "are".