Relativity

It's never cliché to compare yourself with a black hole
As in its basic metaphysics,
You are essentially the same

Light cannot escape
Time frozen

An embodiment of nothingness
And everything, all at once

Now, look at yourself

Surface-level brightness
Dimmer through the layers
And a mind stuck in a fragment of time

Fragments

Tikkun olam
Repair of the world

Perhaps it's not the world

It's us

It's me

Will you help me pick up the pieces?

Perhaps you have a piece of my world
Which will never be complete

I am a one man demolition squad

Not because I can destroy everything by myself
But because I can't destroy anything but myself

#7

You always make me smile

A girl shrouded by mystery

And a storm of shattered trust

With a heart in a state of calamity,

She is an enigma wrapped in a riddle

I try my best

Breathe in, explorer

Do you know where you are headed?

Remember to keep your heart together

Before launching yourself into the chaos

Big Wish

It's actually ridiculous how much I think about you
The spontaneity of my imaginary broadcasts:
Your endearing existence, a beautiful nightmare
Gradually creeping through my subconscious

I find you in between orange sunsets
And double rainbows
I can only describe you with metaphors
And compelling astrophysical theories

With your every breath,
You send ripples through the fabric of spacetime
Your mind transcends dimensions;
You are a supernova in my heart

My feelings have already left orbit
Aboard a spacecraft of text and thoughts
Voyaging into the interstellar
Hoping, in time, it could reach you

#6

Appreciate the people that have been rocks for you.

The people who cared about you despite the occasion and whatever you're doing

The people who stuck around and understand while you try to get some time for yourself

The people who accepted you despite your flaws

Appreciate the people who believed in you and has been there for you every step of the way.

Never take them from granted. As they say, nothing lasts forever.

Also, try to do the same for them. They might need you more than you need them and you may just not be realising it.

Thank someone that cared for you today heck, do it everyday even.

#5

She's not a goddess. She's not a heroine.

She is just a girl.

She's not good. She's not bad.

She's both at the same time and everything in between.

She's worth waiting for. She's worth giving my time to.

She's worth all the rants, jokes and the random things in the middle.

I'm starting to feel something familiar.

Something I haven't felt for a long, long time.

#4

It's starting to get into me

This feeling coming up;

So frustrating yet can't be helped

You confuse me

Oh if only you know how much you puzzle me

Unrequited as it may seem; I confuse myself too

Naive sentiments, unsure feelings

I won't get tired though - maybe just pedantic

Not in a million years, probably

A bit more time, I will wait

this is a story of —

"Fly me to the moon"

It's only one small step;

Voyaging through your cosmos

Being gravitated towards you

It's one giant leap;

To reach you within light years

Overcoming this interstellar journey

Hello, mission control

static

Am I just a comet's tail?

Particles of dust left in your wake;

A celestial body?

A black hole?

To which, I have yet to know

We have a problem

"Drive me to Greenwich"

Prime Meridian -

Longitudinal memories

Arbitrary feelings

tick

Time differences

I, the mean time

For I am the premise

tock

Us, the meantime

Before it breaks

Before misery overtakes

"Take me to your favourite place"

Beside you,

I'll never get lost

A pathway I will always be certain

Like a vernacular,

A sense of familiarity

But I am lost all of a sudden

BANG

Amnesia;

Stuck in a traffic jam

I am the road accident

We are the collision

This is the recoil.

To The Girl That's Worth It

Listen to this

Belle and Sebastian - Calculating Bimbo

___________________________________

Doubt

I always wonder what is going on inside that head of yours.

What is the design of your mind?

What is the structure of your thought process?

What is the framework of your imagination?

Doubtful,

Suspicions

I crave for you in the most innocent way,

In ways people do yet can only dream of happening.

You are a walking imperfection,

An uncharted exploration;

An enigma trying to solve itself.

Doubts are built upon expectations. They have the power to shatter conjectures, stir up unforecasted hurricanes and bring upon calamity when people least expect.

They are the chaos that you see form right before your eyes, only to consume you when you did not anticipate.

You are a beautiful disaster; a figment of reality waiting to happen.

You are the storm brewing in my heart.

Lost & Found

Lost

Feelings

An abstract sentiment

blink

Eyes meet

blink

A flicker of emotion

blink

An unknown semantic

Found

Lover

My mind

catastrophic

Her Heart

esoteric

Settling down

cathartic

Love life

tragic

Lost

Self-esteem

inhale

Let me hear your secrets

exhale

Let me feel your soul

inhale

Let me in to your heart

exhale

Let me know you love me

Found

Broken Heart

You made me believe I had a chance

crack 

And upon taking it

shatter

You leave my life

break

As I whispered for you to stay

Lost

You

I think I may have moved on

weep

As the memories of you slowly fade

whimper

But whenever you dawn on me; numbness

whine

As I realise you can not break a heart

break down

That is already broken

Found

Perhaps I did not love you enough;

Spontaneous

The way I lost you

The way I loved you

Perhaps I will never know why

The reason you walked out

And never said goodbye

#3

Hey, you.

I like you.

Yeah, you read that right.

I like you.

Why?

I don't know.

However, that's also the same answer to how exactly the universe was formed, the same answer to how many stars are there in the Milky Way. It's also the same answer to why the sea is salty or what is at the end of the rainbow.

I don't know.

It's a mystery. It's a phenomenon. It's something I refuse to take for granted. However, no academic study would give me the answer I want, or rather, the right answer. It's not something that I could just type in to any search engine. It's not something that could be answered by reading a million books.

It is the answer, or at least it was once the answer, to all the important questions in this world.

I like you.

The same way how there are always theories and postulates about everything. I like you because my theory of you is just fascinating. Maybe I'm drawing conclusions too fast. Maybe I'm miscalculating something here.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Tell me.

But I'm not rushing anything here. If it's something real, there's no need to rush.

It's just that, I'm scared.

I'm scared of letting myself down again.

I'm scared of letting you down.

I like you.

You're the thought that keeps me up at night. You're the unsolvable puzzle in a Sunday magazine. You're the sunset to a beautiful day, the moonlight to the mysterious darkness, the dawn to an unknown tomorrow. You're the plot twist in every love story. You're the last drop of coffee that I can't sip. You're the punchline to every corny joke. You're the diamond that I can't afford yet, I'm saving up for.

You're all the romantic cliches in this world.

I like you.

I don't know why.

Just as much as I know the next chapter to this story.

You're just as clueless as I am, trust me.

This time, I'll take it slow. I'll take my time. Let me learn my first steps. Let me find my balance. Let me understand the wonder that is you. You don't have to help me, I just want you to be beside me.

Maybe you're still taking your first steps. Maybe you're also finding your balance. Or maybe you're half the world away already.

It's up to you if you're coming back for me.

It's up to you if you'll wait.

Again, I like you.

You don't have to like me back. You don't have to force yourself to. Let things come naturally. Let them do their own thing. Let it get to them, if that will ever be the case.

There is a universe where we're together. There is also a universe where we've never even met.

Then here's this universe, full of uncertainty and cheesy one-liners.

I don't know.

But hey, it's just a theory.

However, this isn't:

I like you.

#2

You can't expect everything to work out the first time.

Time and time again, you'll always be disappointed

#1

It's ironic isn't it?

How that lactose intolerant kid

Turned out to be a huge ball of cheese

Writing about things that slowly kill him.

Some Changes

Hey guys, or whichever entity that happens to find him/herself here!

Just gonna be implementing some changes in order to ensure I post something more often.

So, my writings have always been a full-text insight or poem about life, love or myself. However, I write only when I feel it and those peaks of creativity and inspiration occur oh so randomly thus my irregular posting.

However, in between posting, I've always had these mini "eureka" moments where I just write lines on impulse and say "I'm gonna use this line in a post". I've compiled quite a draft of them (although, I've lost most of them when my old phone broke).

So now, I'm gonna utilise the small lines I've wrote into posts. I mean, you may have seen other people do it but hey, this is all about content right? So it might be an excerpt-style story, a mini epiphany, or something.

Don't we all just prefer being straight to the point?

Don't get me wrong though, I'd still be making full-text posts whenever I can. Just that, university has limited the time I have for things. Pardon me there.

I hope I can get this blog more active, I'm considering making an Instagram page to increase my audience. We'll see.

Also, I'll be revamping the blog itself. Changing the background and themes to be more "short post"-friendly.

Stay tuned for more posts! First post on this change will follow suit.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!

//

Update: Decided not to change the theme because I just can't find anything that fits... I readjusted the font sizes though for an easier read.

April. Greatness. June.

I never thought I'd ever be infatuated with you this much.

I want to hold your hand.

I want to lie down with you in some field in the middle of nowhere, watching the stars.

I want to watch romcom films with you, criticising every possibe cliche and just laugh off the corniness.

I just lack the courage to do so.

In a world where it's OK to just kiss someone so randomly to profess your love, I'm always gonna be that one old-school romantic. There's something so repulsive in aggresiveness. It is, in a way, disrespectful and forced.

I don't want to force myself in someone's life.

Call me sentimental, call me hopeless; I don't mind. I don't mind because it's true.

I read once that Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. I wish I could have a million words to describe my feelings for you but all that ever crosses my mind is the way your shoulder brushes up against mine as we walk out together from that 6pm lecture.

I hate that we spend most of our time just chattering small talk. I love deep talks and I'd give up a lot just to have late night conversations with you.

But it's OK, I know you don't always have time for that.

I know you're busy with other things you'd prefer doing and that's OK for me. As I've said, I'm not a forceful person.

But I just want you to know that if ever you get the urge to share your thoughts on that film you just watched or tell me how you got yourself hooked with Harry Potter or rant how that girl from the club was such a massive bitch or tell me your views on politics, religion, showbiz, outer space or the epiphany you just had in the toilet 40 seconds ago, go for it. Tell me everything, no matter how random it is. I will hang on everything that you say.

I don't want to talk about what I did last weekend. I don't want this routine to just get stuck with us forever.

I just want to be that guy for you.

You mean more to me than just small talk.

I don't care about what I'm doing this weekend.

I care about you.

We both know I don't have the courage to do such a feat. It's not that I'm spineless or uncreative. I'm just not an initiator. I'm never that confident with myself. Sometimes, I just need that extra push.

Sometimes, I just want a sign.

Or better yet, a chance.

I know I'm not the most good-looking guy out there nor am I the nicest but I just want to let you know that you made me start looking for confidence. Your presence helps me bring the best out of myself. Just being around you calms me down, soothes my mind and makes my day. As much as you don't seem to care or you just never notice it, you motivate me to push myself and somehow convince me I can be a better person.

It's weird, I know. Even I find it weird yet I believe everything happens for a reason. I guess the reason is simply,

I've fallen for you.

An Open Letter From A Broken Heart

It's OK, you don't have to love me

You were never going to love me, anyway.

I knew that.

You knew that.

///

I was the type of person to reach for the moon, stars and other heavenly bodies.

That's why I reached towards you.

However, you were afraid.

Afraid of being abandoned and left alone by the people you love, the same people who you thought loved you. You were afraid that if I saw right through that facade, I'd see the cracks, ridges and shattered memories.

That's why you pushed me away.

But you know, before you even thought about that, I've already seen it.

The cracks. The ridges. The shattered memories.

All the aches and pain.

Yet I loved you all the same.

///

I figured out that I can never love someone the way I loved you.

When you started thinking that you didn't deserve me was the first moment that you stopped deserving me.

But you may just continue with life just fine.

///

I am certain that we made a huge impact to each other.

But in the end, I'll just be a memory to you, may or may not be forgotten.

I was once someone who you had right before your eyes. All you had to do was to embrace me.

But now, I'm just someone at the back of your head.

But who knows? In the future, things may be different.

At least memories don't change but people do.

///

Oddly, I feel cheated on.

I don't know if by Love.

I don't know if by Life.

I don't know if by you.

But from the moment you broke my heart, I can never look at you the same.

My soul is too tired already. Tired from chasing nonexistent entities. Tired from trying. Tired from being too strong for too long.

Tired from hoping that one day you'll be there.

Tired from being given up by people.

Pathetic, isn't it?

///

I'm sorry that I can't be the friend that you wanted to have.

Or the friend that you think you deserved.

Or the kind of person who you want to love you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry if I have to break my promise to you.

For this time, I'll be the one to let go.

ABCZ

Maybe you found it easier to move on because you know that we're not meant to be together.

There's this thing in me that's actually desperate to know if my absence ever brought you any pain. Did you have sleepless nights with thoughts of me? Was your heart broken in the same places as mine?

Did you even shed a tear for me?

I want to know that I actually meant something to you.



Why him?

Why not go for the guy with good grades, right manners and a great sense of humor?

Why not go for the guy who has already told you that he loves you?



Why go for the guy with the mysterious aura, inconsistent and with unsure motives?

Perhaps he challenged you. He made you question everything you know about life.

Perhaps he made you laugh unlike anyone did.

Perhaps it's because he's a mystery.

Perhaps.



Why should I think of you when you never think of me? Why should I make everything revolve around you when you don't make anything revolve around me? Why should I think of building a future around you when you never thought of builiding a future around me?

I mean, why should I even stay with you even when you don't ask me to?

You know, for so long, that I love you.

However, we're bestfriends and you're blinded by this.

Over and over, you choose someone else instead of me.

You don't understand all the petty wishes, beliefs and prayers that I've used up on you. You come talk to me as if they're irrelevant; as if they were non-existent.

In the end, they'll just pass as empty words to you; until I bring it up again.



I wish I could just slide under my blankets and sleep forever.

Only wake me up when my heart stops breaking.

Only wake me up when you know I can live a happy, blissful life.

Only wake me up when you know someone will love me for who I am, unconditionally.

No, I don't want to die.

And there's that fine line in between those two that makes the difference.



If I wait for you, years will go by.

Seasons will pass.

However, you won't be as beautiful as the first snowflake of winter.

You won't be as beautiful as the first bloom of spring.

You won't be as beautiful as the first sunshine of summer.

You won't be as beautiful as the first autumn leaf that falls.

I could wait forever, only if I know that you're coming.

But time is precious.

You are not worth the winter snowflakes, spring blooms, summer sunshines and autumn leaves.



Do I regret it?

No.

Just because we didn't work out doesn't mean you're not the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Because you are.

Moment by Moment

I think I know where I went wrong.

In the past I thought two people automatically enter a relationship when they mutually like each other. I thought it was that simple. I thought relationships needed no preparation or relationship success always comes from experience.

Never have I ever been more wrong in my life.

I was just clueless about what Love really is.

I know I am a good guy. Everyone says it. However, I took being nice too much for granted. I thought that trust, love and loyalty only came to me because I'm a nice person. I never appreciated the fact that I earned them not because I'm nice, but because I am who I am.

I kept on talking about how much I hate it when people take others for granted. I always say that there's so much more for us to learn about a person and we should take every opportunity that we can to do that. However, I realised that I've been taking myself for granted all this time. I know, it's just ironic. When I've thought that I'm being humble all this time, it was me failing to appreciate how beautiful my heart is. It was me who failed to understand that there's so much more about me than the "good guy" persona people have labeled me. I know I love myself, I accept who I am and I can't imagine myself being a different person. It's just I never put into heart what I'm capable of and what kind of things I deserve to have.

I was afraid that I'll be building up an ego of sorts. I've seen people grow up being swallowed by their own pride and I thought if I start to become like them, I'll lose opportunities in Love. However, there I was, trying to decipher the reasoning behind why people like those who have pride tend to find success in Love when really, people will only learn to love you if you actually show that you appreciate yourself.

And that was where I was lacking.

I became a guy that only set substandard expectations on myself. Because of that, all expectations that I set for other things became relatively unreasonable. Unrealistic expectations only attract disappointments. That set me up on a massive misery spell when really, there was no reason for me to be hating myself. I failed to realise that with the amount of bullshit that I've dealt with in the past, I have earned the right to have a preference for myself.

The thing is, I've made things more difficult than they needed to be. With all the overthinking and assuming, I end up asking why things never worked out. I became so scared of trying. I always relied on someone giving me that extra push I needed but it never came. However, everything must come from me. It wasn't the lack of Love that made me miserable, it was all the "if"s in my head that emanated from not trying at all. There is more to life than pain, unless you keep avoiding opportunities to grow. The Love one experiences will only be as good as the effort one invests. It was clear what I actually wanted, I just failed to put effort on it.

I didn't allow myself to be happy but rather, I allowed myself to make more excuses.

Love isn't a strong word after all. It's also not necessarily a strong feeling. Love is when feelings and actions blend perfectly. It was never Love that rejected me, that made me feel that I wasn't worth it. It was people that lacked the capacity to love me. This is why people who are afraid or people full of pride always walk away, they only have limited room for Love. I failed to realise the people who I gave so much room in my life only gave me very limited room for Love. As people, we should learn to love people who can love at the same capacity as us. We shouldn't learn to settle for less and cope with it. We should be able to unleash our potential and grow as time goes on. Love shouldn't be easy. It should be challenging, spontaneous and overflowing with passion.

If you're only capable of loving at a limited scale then you shouldn't be looking for something greater. What you think you want may be more than you can handle. If you aren't willing to work for it then you don't deserve to have it.

And finally, I have made the mistake of rushing things.

I may not be consciously thinking about it but all my actions and thoughts dictated that I wanted to reach the end fast. I know that wasn't my intention because I was never a firm believer of "just happy endings". Happiness must be present start to finish. It shouldn't just exist at the goal but it should be present throughout the journey towards that goal. I don't want my happiness to rely on the possibility of what we "could be" but I want it to come from the now, the present that is what we "are".

Rock Skimming and Other Romances

Grab.

Hands finding each other.
Fingers intertwine.
Sweaty palms didn’t matter.
You’re mine -
Only mine.

Prepare.

You act like the universe’s mediator
With how you spoke about life.
Your words echo in my mind,
“We aren’t simply just stones on the beach.
We are a force to be reckoned with”.

Throw.

It wasn’t the mundane highways
Which defined our lives’ courses.
It wasn’t the dramatic excursions
Which exemplify this superficial love affair.
In you, I find solace.

Skim.

Never in our wildest dreams
Could we have thought to create
A love seemingly immaculate,
A life purportedly quintessential
Yet a happiness, questionable.

Skim again.

What ever happened to
The blossom in your cheeks
And the iridescence in your eyes?
All I could find
Are windswept thoughts,
A mind devoid of life’s pleasure; and
A heart pervaded of animosity.

Plunge.

I don’t remember since when
Did I start falling for a person
That I have never met.
When I thought love
Can transcend dimensions,
Or find its way in human beings,
Perhaps.

Sink.

I always believed
I could reach the stars,
Or travel the horizons.
Only to discover it is
Not stars but ocean depths
Nor horizons but rutted dirt roads.
Simply because
I am only but a stone.

Bitter Man, Better Guy

I know I would have been a better guy in your thoughts.

I care and you know it. I always find time for you and you know it. The only problem is that I don't know how to show it.

Is physicality that important or do you just need the reassurance that I'll stay by your side? All I want is just to be in your thoughts, at least for a moment during the day. I want you to have a reminder of me.

I don't mind being a thought in you while on the other hand, I appreciate even just your mere existence. I don't mind, as long as I'm something for you.

Just so you know, you've never left my thoughts.

But have I ever crossed in yours?

I know I would have been a better guy in your heart.

As I don't need to occupy much space for all I want to be is inside it. But I will greatly appreciate if you open up more room in your heart as I've opened up all of mine for you.

There's a tiny problem though.

I've decided to open up my heart for someone who doesn't have enough room in hers to love someone like me.

I know I would have been a better guy for you to love.

For whatever love you would give, I'll give it back millionfolds.

But at the same time, I won't overwhelm you.

Unlike the way you overwhelm me whenever you speak about life and other things.

Your words speak like poetry as they flow through my ears, enveloping my mind and giving me a feeling of warmth, like a warm summer evening during a cold winter morning.

Then I snap back to reality. Realisations come as your words aren't meant for me. You were never beside me to begin with.

You are only as far as my eyes can see.

And all I see is you falling for someone

Just like I did.

I know I would have been a better guy for you.

Only if you realised.

The same way I realised amidst all of these things,

That you never loved me.

Hypothermia

The temperature outside is cold
Cold as ice
Like your heart
Whenever I try to thaw yours
You keep on putting it back in your freezer
While you kept playing with mine
And like a child wishing for ice cream inside that tub
Reaching out for feelings of delight
For the hopes of that lasting pleasure
I open to find nothing inside

The temperature outside is cold
Below freezing
The same way I wanted that moment
Frozen
I wanted time to stop
So we can remain like that forever
So realisations won't be realised
So regrets won't be made
Where genuine happiness remained
But as that moment passed by
That moment was just but a moment in time

The temperature outside is cold
Absolute zero
Like your feelings for me
Zilch.
Like your interest in me
None.
Like the time I spent in your thoughts
Nil.
And the love that you offered
Non-existent.

The temperature outside is cold
Dry and crisp
Where the tip of my nose starts feeling funny
Where my ears felt as if they're falling off
The same way I fell for you
But in the midst of the funny feelings of the cold
It wasn't only my fingers that started feeling numb